Notes from this week's podcast: Jo & Sydney: Remember Whose You Are with Tiffany Lyght

Jo: I want to lean back on a podcast that I did recently about what our teens are doing -- the mess that they are getting into and how they are getting into it. What can we as a family, parents and grandparents do to guide them or to spare them from getting involved? 

When I realized that teens (13, 14, 15 year olds) are out in the streets on the weekend being destructive, we have to ask the question why. Why are they there? Why do they want to do this behavior? Also, how are they doing this? How are they given this freedom, this time to go and be destructive? 

We want to speak truth to you today that this never happens at your home. But also, if you see signs of potential at your home, what you can do. What do you implement now to set those guardrails/boundaries around our teens so that we can raise them up in the knowledge of the Lord? 

 Parent, grandparent, if you are looking at your children now, and you are discerning there is an issue, that issue started in the heart and to address that issue, to resolve that issue, discipline or correct that issue, you've got to go all the way back to the heart. It's the heart that is crying out for something that God made the heart to have. 

What would be the most profound thing that you would speak to a parent or grandparent to put guardrails around children/grandchildren that they would help guard the heart of their children?

Tiffany: I learned at a young age that my decisions did not just affect me, they affected everyone that was around me or connected to me. 

I feel like when you really have a relationship with your children, that's one of the major things you can impart to them. When we're out, we're representing our family, like as Christians we're representing God. 

I would say to parents that the key caveat is to lead with love. Parents are the first examples of God's love in the earth. What you do and how you lead in the home -- the love that you show, children will see that. The Word reminds us that we are known by our love. And that when we don't love, we show people that we don't even know God. The Bible also tells us in 1st Corinthians 13 how to speak. If it's not in love, it's bothersome noise and a clanging cymbal. We have to understand that when we're leading our home, the example we're setting before our children, the biggest thing we can do is to lead with love. It will direct them in the right way.

Jo: To do that, I can see a flag of resistance because it requires time. So many families are squeezed for time. We talk about investments -- but time may be the best investment that you're making in your child's life. Every child is starving for someone to love them. God put it in us.

My father would always say: Remember whose you are. What guardrails. What protection from ungodliness. The Bible says we are Christ-followers if Christ is in us. Christ is our leader. We're to remember whose we are. You're to exemplify His life, His words. We will mess up, but that's redemption, coming back. Repent, recognize where we fell short of God's glory.

So, to teach them that love so that they embrace that, respect that advice, they want to follow that advice.

The enemy will always co-mingle the good with the evil.

How do we invest the time to show them that love so that they know that they're loved and they want to obey and listen to instruction?

Tiffany: I think you need to, as a parent, start with showing your children that the time you have together is very valuable and that you honor that. I go back to my parents because I often tell people that I could not have prayed for better parents. My parents were perfect for me. God knew just what I needed.

They valued the time that we spent together and it was important to them. So, conversations that we had -- mother and daughter days that we had, conversations that I would sit down and talk with my dad, the time he spent with me. It was valuable and I knew it was important.

I didn't have to be perfect. And, I understood there was no condemnation there. Even if I messed up, I could still come to them. They were my safe place. Let's dialogue about this so you can understand why this was not the way to go or why this shouldn't have happened.

Jo: It's never too late. God is so gracious, so forgiving, so merciful. "How do I move forward? How do I remove that condemnation? How do I change my thinking or my attitude that my child knows that?" 

Tiffany: By first going to the child and admitting that "I didn't handle this right. I didn't respond to this in the right way or the right manner." Your children will see humility in you and they will understand that "they just admitted they're not perfect either." At that point, you start to remove those walls.

Jo: Be honest. Be real, raw with them. But then, put yourself back into the position of authority. Sometimes a child may mess up with their behavior and we get in a rage about it. How would you speak to a parent about that? That certainly needs to be under control.

Tiffany: If you're not in a position to where you can speak in a loving manner, then pull back and pray. The biggest thing is that you do not want to scar your child or leave them with something you cannot undo by the words that you said. So, be mindful of that. Don't always respond in the moment. A lot of times, we haven't given ourselves or our child time to process our emotions. Get before the Lord: How is it that I need to respond?

Jo: Make sure you circle back. We put truth on it. We put responsibility on it and that we require some type of action to solidify what is right going forward.

Tiffany: Be the example of what we want them to live. Dialogue and give them the why. Help them understand why this was not the right way to go. That's another thing that I appreciate about my parents: they gave me the why.

And then, stand by your no. If you say no to something, stand by your no. It's ok.

Jo: As you were saying earlier, that's love. You're really showing them God's love when you do that and you're establishing that in their hearts.

I look back when I was trying to schedule an activity for the children. How do we approach that so that they know they're not just fitting into our schedule repeatedly?

Tiffany: Evaluate your priorities. Let your child know that they are not just fitting into your schedule but they are essential to your schedule. "This is vital that I have time with you" -- not just checked off a box as a parent. They're paying attention and they'll notice a shift and you'll see a difference in the response.

Jo: They're looking to spend time on something like these articles of these teens causing havoc and chaos. They want to spend their time doing something with somebody. We want it first to be with us.

We literally want to touch the heart. How we touch the heart is to speak to the heart. The iPads, iPhones are touching the hearts, connecting with other hearts that are leading them astray. We must be intentional to touch the heart. The heart is craving attention, affirmation, time with the parents. What is some practical advice to touch the heart?

Tiffany: Let your child know that their presence matters -- that you're happy when they're there. When they walk in the room, they should see you light up. Ensure that they know that they are wanted, loved, valued, essential, vital to the family. Then, be intentional in carrying out that message in everything you say and do.

Jo: Be alert. Their heart is crying out for their presence. They know that you know they are present. That brings them into the connection, this family. What are some other ways that we need to make our presence known, and we need to affirm their presence?

Tiffany: Sometimes, it's not about a lot of words but just being there, in the moment. Sitting with them, praying with them. You can't underestimate the power of your presence. Be in the moment at all times.

Jo: Being with them is another way of affirming "I love you."

Tiffany: Children have access to so much. Parents need to guard the level of access that children have. We have to establish order, set clear boundaries and lead with love.

Jo: Do you know what parenting is? It's a "job." We ought to put everything into it. We've got to seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

We want our children and grandchildren not to be down there in those city squares and destructive. We don't want them addicted in their teen years to online gambling. We don't want them engaged with destructive forces. We want to do well.

My prayer: Father, give me the grace to do it. 

 It's never too late. Be intentional with a heart of humility. God will redeem our mess ups, our time.   

Scripture for further study: Proverbs 4:23