Notes from this week's podcast: Jo & Sydney: Tiffany Lyght joins Jo on Guarding the Christian Family

Jo: We have a special guest Tiffany Lyght. You've worked with families at your church and you have your own family. We want to talk about big issues that families today are struggling with: how to say no and being busy. God wants us, in each family, to achieve a certain purpose. Find out: What does God desire for my family? What is my household to look like that brings honor and glory to God? And then setting those boundaries, knowing that we've got to say no and watch for the busyness. How can we help our audience be victorious?

Tiffany: I am delighted to discuss this because the culture pushes us to more activity, more events, more commitments, more achievements, more noise. Get back to value our family, value time with our family. Our families don't need perfection. They need our presence, attention, love, peace. That is what we need to model. We have to be intentional. 

Jo: Model is a key word. Who are we modeling? Christ, what the Bible says or what the culture says? What is my motive for why I'm doing what I'm doing with my family?

Tiffany: Are we trying to present a certain image to what is happening culturally? Are we trying to set a standard to live for Christ?

Some of the greatest things we can do for our families are built in the simplest moments -- not with hoopla, but with presence and intentionality showing that I am here in this moment. You have my attention because that's important, you're important. We don't realize what that conveys. 

Jo: When you say, "They value our presence," what does that mean to family members? 

Tiffany: We can be in the same house but still not be present. Present means being intentional with connecting with your family members -- how we connect in conversation, in sharing a meal, or a fun game, being intentional in the connection. That's where the presence comes from. 

Jo: Our downtime really needs to be intentional with the whole family. Do we need to be intentional in engaging the family -- connecting heart to heart?

Tiffany: There's nothing wrong with taking some time to decompress. You don't want your children or spouse to feel like you value others over them. Sometimes that message can come across when we give others more time than we give our family members. So the time we give to everyone else outside of our home, we should give even more time to the people who are in the home with us. 

We want that to be our picture to the world -- that our family is loved, come from an environment of love, from a home where love is there. 

Jo: How do we do that? What makes it different at home? How do we need to correct that?

Tiffany: Just start somewhere. Start with a conversation. Start by asking about the day, something exciting that happened, their favorite teacher, favorite subject. The things going on in they life is just as important to you as it is to them. You do that by engaging them, being intentional in engaging. Ask the questions. Let them know that you care. 

Jo: I have to be attuned to [my granddaughter] and intentional that the questions are not just yes and no answers. You want them to tell you their experience, describe their experience. 

Tiffany: Start with the simple yes and no but as you engage them more, I find that they'll start to open up. The level of trust also dictates the level of response that you get, particularly when it comes to children. If they know they have a safe place in you, a safe place to talk, a non-judgmental zone. 

Yes, we are the authority. Yes, we will bring correction to things and share things that are not correct when it's not correct. But it's also a safe place for them. It starts with the environment that you cultivate. 

Tiffany: The time, the conversations that I had with my parents and how intentional they were. It meant as much to them as it meant to me. It was important to them and it made me feel valued, special. 

Jo: Give them the best of your time. Don't wait until you're going to bed and exhausted. How do we fight that? We feel that they want to be on their phone more than they want to talk to us. 

Tiffany: It's ok to have a great relationship with your children as they're growing up. But they're still your children. So you set the standard for your home. They do not set the standard. They follow the standard that you set. 

Jo: We set the boundaries. And then sometimes we get lax. We fear being rejected by our children and grandchildren by saying no. No can be healthy, particularly when you're a family that wants to live by the Word of God. 

Tiffany: They have to know that you love them. And, the "no" is an indicator of that love because that means it may not be the best thing for them in that moment. Be willing to explain why it is a no (sometimes just do as I say). 

Jo: Scenario: We can start off saying no and then we can explain why the no. But then we turn around and we let those children and grandchildren talk us out of the no. What do we do? How do we stand strong when we know it is a no?

Tiffany: I remember wanting to do things that my friends were doing. And my parents would tell me no. And at the time, I didn't understand it. But in looking back, there were things that happened, that I didn't need to be in. I'm so glad my parents kept me from it. And, I told them Thank You! 

As parents, we have to correct our children. It's not always what we want to do but we love them enough to not let them go in the wrong direction. 

Jo: And that is love. And that relationship of accepting that this is a no. Sometimes we say no and then we take it back because we feel rejected. The acceptance is in doing what is right/righteous. If God set these boundaries, and they were righteous, then that means it's righteous for us. So don't let them talk us out of it, but know that this is good. And then be consistent because they know your heart is set on righteousness. 

Tiffany: And, as parents, be on the same page with it. Children know that sometimes they can play one parent against the other. The best thing is to have a standard that you are united as a front when it comes to those nos. 

Jo: Deep inside they know that that no is really saying I love you. It's even more important to stay in your position. 

Tiffany: Stand firm. I can't tell you how many people I have spoken with, myself included, who are so thankful for our parents because they set boundaries and they said no. I can't thank God enough for them. And I don't know any child who had parents who set boundaries (and were honorable parents) who do not feel the same way. It's immeasurable but it's so valuable, so important. 

Jo: It goes back to consistency. They know you really mean it. Those nos can eliminate a lot of busyness, unnecessary stuff. (1) It's not good. (2) We all need this down time that we're talking about. And it's ok, so we need to guard our time that we're not too busy to enjoy one another. 

We get together just to sit in the living room, not planned, just being together. It's down time, no agenda. 

Tiffany: We'll do a family game night, nothing big, just having time together. Sometimes it's just sitting, watching a move we all like. Sometimes we'll do question cards, just to engage to see where we are and how everybody is doing. It's just the small things. It doesn't take a lot, being intentional, being there, being present in that moment. 

Jo: Being present. And the communicating. There are times we need to say no. We get too busy, so we guard our time. Pull your calendar out. There needs to be some "free space."  What can we do to be intentional to connect heart to heart?

Tiffany: Doing things that all of you like to do together. One of the things my husband and I do is just pray together. Doing dinner, cooking together. Having time where you put your devices down. Whatever it takes for you to enjoy each other and how that looks for you could be different. Just do it. Spa, game night, bowling. Light, free, fun. 

Jo: We like games too. We also ask each other: What's God doing in your life? This has grown with intensity --parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren all answer. Bringing God into the family. He's there. Make Him part of it. What does God think about that ___? 

Tiffany: Are you going to be honest in that moment? 

Jo: And the children remember it. 

Scripture for further study: Hebrews 12:6